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Thu, 05/22/2008 - 9:44am
In Tom Perotta's book "Little Children," a single father piques the interest and the gossip amongst the playground set. The clique of mothers whisper and speculate, but none of them invites him or his little boy into their tightly knit circle.
That's pretty typical, according to area single dads.
In the past 40 years, the number of single fathers raising their children has swelled from 400,000 to more than 2.5 million, according to the U.S. census bureau. But, according to several single dads in the area, they are still few and far enough between to raise eyebrows when they appear at playgrounds with their kids and no wife in sight.
It can be lonely at the playground
"We don't get invited on too many playdates," says Dave Calvetta of Lynnfield, father of 3-year-old Jake. "Mothers are always friendly and say hello, but no one has stepped up. Maybe their husbands wouldn't want to come home and find a strange man there."
It is an interesting social issue, the plight of the single dad. Acton attorney Steven
Ballard, father of 13-year-old Zach calls it "a lonely situation."
"There are not so many of us in the community," he says. "People don't come across sole fathers very often."
Michael Shimberg, author of "The Complete Single Father: Reassuring Answers to Your Most Challenging Situations," says the issue of playdates can be awkward all around, both for the man who has to approach the mother of one of his children's friends and for the mother, who may not be sure how to read the offer.
"There is some level of the unknown," he said, "Particularly when it comes to sleepovers. I have a daughter. Some moms feel uncomfortable about the idea of their daughters spending the night at their friend's father's house."
So what's a single father to do? Take the initiative and form relationships with other parents right away, Shimberg says. It is up to the father to let others know that he wants to be included in playgroups and school and community events.
"Schools will naturally assume the mother is involved. You have to make sure that you are a player. Make sure the school knows you want to receive all of the emails, reports and assignments that the mother would get."
Workplace expectations
As every working parent knows, juggling life and home is a tall order, even with a second parent to help pick up the slack. Single dads, just like single mothers, find it difficult to negotiate hours that allow them to be home with their children.
"I pretend I do have a wife sometimes, just to keep my sanity," jokes Calvetta. As he owns his own cabinetry business, he works flexible hours, but "if I have to get up at 4 a.m. to get things done before Jake wakes up, that's what I do. You have to pay the bills. It's hard, but I manage."
Navigating the legal system
The playground is not the only place where single fathers feel the sting of alienation. Although judges and courts have come a long way since the days of the film "Kramer vs. Kramer," when the mother was automatically assumed to be the better parent, "thousands of years of tradition" can weigh against a father seeking custody.
According to a 2006 study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. "fathers are increasingly being granted sole custody of children during these recent years." According to the same AAML survey, 22 percent of the participants answered that they have seen a rise in decisions awarding the father custody, while no member reported a noticeable increase for mothers.
Ballard gave up a career in music to become a divorce attorney, motivated by his own difficult experiences gaining custody of his son. He said he was unfairly treated when he petitioned for custody of his son ten years ago."If a man wants custody, he really has to prove himself," he says. "It's just like being a woman in the workplace. You have to go above and beyond everyone else to prove yourself."
For more information, read P&K News Story: Legal Primer for Fathers.
There are local organizations that support father's such as the Fatherhood Coalition - an all volunteer, non-profit organization of men and women advocating for fatherhood since 1994 with local chapters in Massachusetts. www.fatherhoodcoalition.org.
Making their kids lives as normal as possible
Shimberg, who answers the questions of single fathers at his Web site thecompletesinglefather.com, says that the biggest concern of single fathers is to make their children's' childhood as normal as possible.To do that, Shimberg says, it is important for a father to maintain open channels of communication with his children. That means talking to daughters' about subjects that may make the fathers uncomfortable.
"She needs to know she can speak with you about girl issues," Shimberg says. "If you show you are uncomfortable, she will hold things back and you won't have the relationship you want."
And fathers need to remember that their sons are not fraternity brothers to share their exploits with.
"What kind of role model are you? Shimberg asks. "You have to have a clear line. Sons are not buddies."
Single fathers want others to know that they want to be as involved in every aspect of their children's lives as most mothers are. They want to be in your social circle, not necessarily be invited to Tupperware parties, but they don't want their status to affect their children's social lives. They want to be included in emails and events.
In short, they want to be treated as parents.
What single dads need in their lives
Source: "The Complete Single Father" by Elaine Fantle and Michael Shimberg
The Life of a Single Dad
By Melissa RussellIn Tom Perotta's book "Little Children," a single father piques the interest and the gossip amongst the playground set. The clique of mothers whisper and speculate, but none of them invites him or his little boy into their tightly knit circle.
That's pretty typical, according to area single dads.
In the past 40 years, the number of single fathers raising their children has swelled from 400,000 to more than 2.5 million, according to the U.S. census bureau. But, according to several single dads in the area, they are still few and far enough between to raise eyebrows when they appear at playgrounds with their kids and no wife in sight.
It can be lonely at the playground
"We don't get invited on too many playdates," says Dave Calvetta of Lynnfield, father of 3-year-old Jake. "Mothers are always friendly and say hello, but no one has stepped up. Maybe their husbands wouldn't want to come home and find a strange man there."
It is an interesting social issue, the plight of the single dad. Acton attorney Steven
Ballard, father of 13-year-old Zach calls it "a lonely situation.""There are not so many of us in the community," he says. "People don't come across sole fathers very often."
Michael Shimberg, author of "The Complete Single Father: Reassuring Answers to Your Most Challenging Situations," says the issue of playdates can be awkward all around, both for the man who has to approach the mother of one of his children's friends and for the mother, who may not be sure how to read the offer.
"There is some level of the unknown," he said, "Particularly when it comes to sleepovers. I have a daughter. Some moms feel uncomfortable about the idea of their daughters spending the night at their friend's father's house."
So what's a single father to do? Take the initiative and form relationships with other parents right away, Shimberg says. It is up to the father to let others know that he wants to be included in playgroups and school and community events.
"Schools will naturally assume the mother is involved. You have to make sure that you are a player. Make sure the school knows you want to receive all of the emails, reports and assignments that the mother would get."
Workplace expectations
As every working parent knows, juggling life and home is a tall order, even with a second parent to help pick up the slack. Single dads, just like single mothers, find it difficult to negotiate hours that allow them to be home with their children.
"I pretend I do have a wife sometimes, just to keep my sanity," jokes Calvetta. As he owns his own cabinetry business, he works flexible hours, but "if I have to get up at 4 a.m. to get things done before Jake wakes up, that's what I do. You have to pay the bills. It's hard, but I manage."
Navigating the legal system
The playground is not the only place where single fathers feel the sting of alienation. Although judges and courts have come a long way since the days of the film "Kramer vs. Kramer," when the mother was automatically assumed to be the better parent, "thousands of years of tradition" can weigh against a father seeking custody.
According to a 2006 study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. "fathers are increasingly being granted sole custody of children during these recent years." According to the same AAML survey, 22 percent of the participants answered that they have seen a rise in decisions awarding the father custody, while no member reported a noticeable increase for mothers.
Ballard gave up a career in music to become a divorce attorney, motivated by his own difficult experiences gaining custody of his son. He said he was unfairly treated when he petitioned for custody of his son ten years ago."If a man wants custody, he really has to prove himself," he says. "It's just like being a woman in the workplace. You have to go above and beyond everyone else to prove yourself."
For more information, read P&K News Story: Legal Primer for Fathers.
There are local organizations that support father's such as the Fatherhood Coalition - an all volunteer, non-profit organization of men and women advocating for fatherhood since 1994 with local chapters in Massachusetts. www.fatherhoodcoalition.org.
Making their kids lives as normal as possible
Shimberg, who answers the questions of single fathers at his Web site thecompletesinglefather.com, says that the biggest concern of single fathers is to make their children's' childhood as normal as possible.To do that, Shimberg says, it is important for a father to maintain open channels of communication with his children. That means talking to daughters' about subjects that may make the fathers uncomfortable.
"She needs to know she can speak with you about girl issues," Shimberg says. "If you show you are uncomfortable, she will hold things back and you won't have the relationship you want."
And fathers need to remember that their sons are not fraternity brothers to share their exploits with.
"What kind of role model are you? Shimberg asks. "You have to have a clear line. Sons are not buddies."
Single fathers want others to know that they want to be as involved in every aspect of their children's lives as most mothers are. They want to be in your social circle, not necessarily be invited to Tupperware parties, but they don't want their status to affect their children's social lives. They want to be included in emails and events.
In short, they want to be treated as parents.
What single dads need in their lives
- Laughter: Laughing with your kids creates special bonds in the family and make good "remember whens."
- Traditions and rituals: It gives your children a sense of still belonging to a family - dad's family.
- Help: From decorating your home to be child-friendly to navigating the school system, single dads need support and guidance from other parents.
- Routines: Create routines that let your children know what is expected of them. From morning time to bedtime, it will help the house run much more smoothly.
Source: "The Complete Single Father" by Elaine Fantle and Michael Shimberg
