Ask the Psychologist:
Preschooler's Social Life

By Dr. Julie Sprenkle

Q: When I pick my 31/2 year old son up from preschool I notice that he’s playing alone, should I be concerned about his social skills?

Preschool is a wonderful environment for your child to be observed playing and interacting with peers his own age. Where one child may blossom with an intuitive understanding of nonverbal communication and social etiquette, another child may appear to be content with solitary play, reducing his opportunity to practice social skills. Solitary play is a form of exploration and interaction with the environment that serves us throughout adulthood. Whether we are shaking a rattle or completing a crossword puzzle, individuals of all ages engage in solitary activities.

When your child reaches two years old, he should exhibit an increase in social awareness that propels him toward self directed interactions with peers and introduces parallel play into his repertoire. Preschool aged children will often sit with, stand near, walk around, or run by peers with the same psychological benefits that an adult receives from drinking coffee alone in a café full of people. This is called parallel play and the desire to engage in parallel play lasts a lifetime. One way of encouraging parallel play is to say to your child, “Let’s go swing with Billy.” Your child may not talk with Billy, or even look at him, that’s fine; parallel play is about engaging in the environment with the understanding and awareness that peers are present. 

Each child develops social skills at a unique pace. The initiation of cooperative play is unpredictable. It does not usually arise before the age of three and it is not uncommon for children to rely primarily on parallel play well into the age of four. Children who tend to be more introverted, shy, or even anxious typically master social skills at a slower place than children who are more extraverted. Parallel play can be used as a gateway to cooperative play. Say to your child, “Let’s go play with your friends on the rug.” His proximity to peers is important. If he is near others and showing an interest in the environment, than he is more likely to be encouraged by his peers to engage with them.  

Take the time to make play dates for your child. When there are fewer children around he may be less overwhelming and more likely to engage in cooperative play. Exposure to children in the same age group is crucial to the development of social skills. Even if your child has five siblings and playful neighbors, he will reap unique and important benefits from interacting with same-age peers.